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07 December 2017 @ 09:01 pm
I just need to vent, so that's what I'm gonna do. If anyone wants to offer any thoughts of their own they're very welcome to, if not... well, I'm sorry.

I broke up with my partner of five years a couple of months back. I dreaded doing it, partly because I knew how he was going to react, and the dread was justified, and it was horrible. And I hate that I hurt him. But I don't regret it. When I'm low, like now, I kick myself. I ask myself why I couldn't settle for what I had, even while knowing what a stupid question that is. I wasn't happy, it had to be done, it was always going to happen and it was always going to be horrible. But when I'm low I feel like I've cut a lifeline. I guess it depends what you call life.

On top of that I did something I shouldn't have done, and things got muddled. And they're still muddled, and I'm hoping desperately that I haven't lost a friend - an old friend, a good friend, someone I feel lost without.

Hope... I realised when I was a teenager I would probably never top myself because I didn't want to miss out on the rest of my life. However shit it would probably be, I had some small hope, always, that there would be good bits. I guess I feel like that still but that hope has diminished lately to almost nothing. And another thought is looming on the horizon - the thought that what I have mistaken for hope, is actually delusion.

I don't know where that leaves me. I'm living each day at a time and hoping that tomorrow is better (that has to be hope, not the other thing - that would be too miserable). But just getting through each day feels really hard sometimes. I'm not used to feeling that, at least not as strong and not as persistently. I can get through it - my ability to put up and get on with it is beyond absurd (usually) - so long as there is something to get through to.
29 November 2017 @ 08:28 pm
This is ever more infrequent. I may try to reverse the trend.

twenty three, I thinkCollapse )
07 August 2017 @ 11:04 pm
My job is joyless and the structures around it are disintegrating daily.

My home is feeling increasingly hostile but the thought of moving is hellish.

My relationship is becoming rapidly unfulfilling.

My back hurts.

I don't feel mentally capable of dealing with any of this.

Other than that life is f!cking fabulous.
06 November 2015 @ 11:37 pm
Photos to post. Fair few. So before I fall asleep and the laptop crashes to the floor again:

ten from julyCollapse )

fourteen from dungeness in septemberCollapse )
14 August 2015 @ 10:38 pm
i think i'm stuck in at least three different ruts.
07 July 2015 @ 11:53 pm
So far this week my washing machine has been "condemned", my journey to bristol for a long weekend away is looking decidedly dodgy due to strike action by RMT staff (solidarity), and I've received a planning notice because some opportunistic rentier wants to stick a 3-bed house in (figuratively) my back yard.

05 June 2015 @ 10:53 pm

My soon-to-be new home, hurrah:

fiveCollapse )
22 May 2015 @ 10:08 pm
Anyone tried this? Did it work? Did it lead to masses of junk mail?

In a few weeks I will no longer be here, but will be there instead. There is two blocks away in the right direction, at the other end (also the right direction), and one floor up. I hope it's as nice as I (very vaguely now) remember. I'm glad I will soon be rid of the uncertainty and the embarrassingly unprofessional estate agents that comes of somebody else putting your home up for sale. I hope it doesn't happen again for a long time. But I'm not enjoying the thought of the next few weeks.


Anybody who can, watch this. Made me proud to be a woman from essex.
30 March 2015 @ 06:07 pm
Well this year is turning out to be my most exciting yet - two lifetime firsts all but sewn up already - see a doctor, see a solicitor - and I didn't even make any new years resolutions!
10 March 2015 @ 06:46 pm
having to show people around the flat you live in and want to stay in and in their heads and their words they already own it is a sh!tty experience.